I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gambling

Hello, everybody! My name is Markiplier, and welcome to “I can’t believe it’s not gambling!” Have you ever liked loot boxes? Have you ever liked putting real life money on fake life things?

Have you ever liked putting your real life money in so you could get digital goods? Well now your life can be more fulfilled than you ever knew it could be. So this game, basically, is trying to show you. Whoa, uh…

Okay, what’s not BF? Ohhh *laughing* Hey, I got an achievement, I don’t know what not… “Not Battlefield” what did I do oh it’s like… “Snakaay” (okay?) Ohhhh ow I died okay, oh What am I doing? Oh, oh, I need money! I need money to open my loot boxes! Oh, I can get hats and skins.

This is my least favorite thing about any game, but here it seems amazing. Okay, open loot box! Whoa Holy shit! *laughing* Alright, okay, sell that… let’s keep the- “Sell One Rare” That was a rare? I didn’t know that.

So one trash- wait… *laughs* Hold a second here… Oh, they’re all rare, alright keep that! Keep it! I gotta sell that, okay. Oh that right!

Actual trash *laughing* *laughing continues* *mumbles* Yeah, alright, *makes noises* It’s about to happen..! Okay Wow, wow wow wow oh? Keep, sell, sell, keep.. I’m getting so many achievements. I love myself. Oh here we go yeah, it’s about to happen Wow okay?

What is this doing for- ohh, Equip this trash can. I equipped a skin! Yey, equipped a hat, I want a trashcan lid hey I got a hat I’m so happy I’m honestly confused this game is actually fun. All right, Lu- open it up. Yeah Yeah, oh boy. Oh that feels good.

Whoa, hey now! Hey, what the hell are you? all right…

I’ll take that sell all. OHHH! It’s just a bunch of Commons ah, sell all, get out of here, yeah. *excited noises* Ohhhohhh Don’t that feels Someone was happy over there… all right hang on shut up a little bit.

I gotta get more trash Excuse me. I’m very busy. Why isn’t it an epic? I don’t understand.

Why isn’t it an epic? I’ll sell them all. Okay, “Sell One Epic.” I did it. I did it.

I feel great about myself. Oh All right, that’s an epic. All right, I’ll sell them all I’m making moola now. Wooahhh Ohhhhh, Holiday?!

God I want it. I really want it! I’m gonna keep that. I’m actually enjoying this game!

Ohhh! Look at me!! Wait, hang on. Wow, look at me! Ahhh ahh ahh What… legend- oh my god!

Just look at that trash can! *laughing* I got an achievement to collect a legendary! Wow! Woahh… Hang on… Jeez So funny I…I…I, I honestly downloaded this game expecting it to be a stupid little like, oh. But it’s so funny.

It’s, ahh, a bunch of garbage. Why am I so into this? This is a bunch of garbage, stupid, oh! Yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes yes what, hi, hello. Yes.

I want you alright, sell all this garbage wait what is that? Wow! Hi! I’ve got a little- Ohhhhh! That is awesome!

I’m so happy about my trash can! Oh god all right.. I’ve got to keep going. Why am I so happy about this?

I don’t understand! Boom.. Ohh, a legendary!! Ohhhh, It’s a different holiday version, but it’s okay, I do want it. But I want to move on, so I’ll sell it all.

I’m sure if I just if I sell them. I’ll get more later. It’s fine. It’s fine. Give me some good stuff come on. Give me some good stuff good stuff good stuff good stuff good stuff.

Oh Well good stuff good stuff now boring boring boring boring. Give me money. Give me money. Give me fuel.

Give me fire Give me that which I desire HABOOSKY! Ahh. Garbage (x3) Hate it, hate it, hate it Ohhh a legendary!! Oh, it’s a holiday. I don’t need it.

I don’t need it. I’m stronger than you! I can buy another one, a cardboard box!

Yes, open tiny box Tim. What’s inside of you? Yes, it better be good.

Ah.. ..it’s garbage, Sell them all. Ah I don’t have enough money. *depression* How do I put real money in to this? How do I put real money?

(No, Mark!!) Alright, give me something good! Give me the flavor of something special. This is the flavor of bullshit! It’s got a tiny box on its head!

Ah I want you I’m keeping you sell all right here. We go. It’s good *laughing* It’s got a tiny box..! Ahhhh! NOOO!

Why do you have a green glowing dildo look at you that’s such a good box, but that’s got a tiny box oh I’m keeping that box. I’m selling all the other ones okay alright view my collection. I have a problem. I definitely have a problem. You… Wait!

Oh wait. No yes, oh Look at you. This is a terrible box.

I don’t like this box crate is a thousand you must be this rich – I don’t want to ride that. Alright, go go go! tiny box Tim! Oh that feels good. That feels good. Oooh ooh ooh OOOOO!

I don’t know. The whole point of loot boxes right is to make it feel really good this game us basically this game makes I like the red trim on that one. I’m gonna keep that one Oh, yeah, collected would come.

You know I did oh. Yeah, give me that red trim. Ah! *smooch* The red trim..! Sorry I meant to say red tape ooh blue trim oh That’s good!

Come on, come on, come on, give it to me! Ahhhh! Woahhhh! Hey!

Ohhhhh! Yes, oh, yes, is that a galaxy box it’s a chrome galaxy box. I love it.

I love it. Tiny box Tim is translucent! Yes! OUUOOUOUO *Nut* What’s even the moral of the story here?

Whoa nice one, but not a good enough to keep. I don’t know what the moral the story here is the moral is that this is legitimately fun, Just opening boxes, but I guess the whole thing of putting real money into loot boxes it is kind of gambling. It is… It is kind of gambling. It is a little bit gambley.

It’s just a little gambley! That’s good stuff. I need more money.

I need more money! Give me more money! Come on. Give me the good shit..! Hup! I don’t need it…

I don’t need it. I need it perhaps. No. Yes. I did it right.

Okay hang on wait. Yeah, oh..! Look at my box! Everybody at home, look at my box! Everybody ignore how weird that statement is, look at my box! All right hang out.

I’m gonna play this. Whoo… How much Oh, 280, that’s not as good, it’s just as good. Okay, all right, I gotta sell the first crates I get. I have to! What else is there? P,resent (that bullshit), ship (garbage), “animoo” (whoo, that sounds good), treasure…

There’s so much that I can have..! There’s so mu- Wait, let me play a game. Whoa, sweet okay, all right now, let’s get some. Oh, yeah open up Please sweet crate sweet crate of mine!

Terrible, hate it, I don’t like it. I don’t like any of this just one of the basic bitch crate Gotta sell yah, I got a move on. I gotta get to the next level I gotta *A S C E N D*. I can’t I can’t stay here too looong! I’m so close to the next level! I just gotta get to the next level.

I get- then I’ll be happy. Then I’ll be happy with my life Then I’ll be happy with what I’m doing in my life. Then I’ll be happy. I started this episode so calm..! I didn’t know what I was getting myself into!

Not.. crippling addiction..! AAAHHHHH! It’s getting more rare.

I know, it’s getting more rare! There’s no way it was this rare before I was getting a lot more high-level stuff before I- ignore that, those are only rares. They’re not legendaries or epics. That’s pretty good alright pretty good. Give me something good. Give me something good!

Yes, yes… Ok all right, I will play one game of BF- not Two- oh yeah. Ahhhh! I was just- ah shit.

Alright. It’s fine. It’s fine.

Gotta go back to the loot. I got presents now. Oh, yeah, you’re gonna. Give me something good, aren’t you? Give me something good! Ahh- NOOOOO!

You all suck! Ohhh, a Tiny Present Tim… No shut up, stop shaking at me! i don’t want any of you.. Euhhh, *moans* That’s not goood… Yesss! *gasps* A holiday themed present! I don’t like the way you shake at me, but I like the way you move! You know what I’m just gonna keep this tiny head.

Oh, yes EVIL That feels good Yes, ohhhh!! So you, sell them. Sell them all yes, this is the good stuff. This is the good stuff! Mmmmm.. *smack smack smack* Mmmmm, TWINSSSS, MMMMM I have a problem, yes, I do!

I have a problem, how about you? I have a problem, I oh boo I have a problem I’m gonna poo. Oh, that’s so good! I waaant ittt! I want it so badly!

Ohh, it’s so GOOOOOD!!! It’s so good! Oh, it’s so good. It’s so good! Look at that box!! Next level, it’s a ship.

I don’t even… OoOo Nooo all right whatever. It’s fine. Okay. Open this bad boy up come on. Give me someone. Good gimme something good gimme good good No, that’s not good.

You said- Ooh, nice moon. I… want the moon. But I like this moon the yellows actually I like it like oh Yeah, yes! Whaaaat the HEEECK?!?! Yes, I want that!! Yes, I absolutely- Yes, I want that.

Oh, I want that oh that. I didn’t even think I got that! That’s not what it looks like what I love it! Yeah, oh… It’s sooo good! I’m cripplingly addicted.

Oh, that’s butt-ugly, ugh! That is SO GOOD. *laughs* I have to HAVE that- I have to have that.

Okay, all right, you know what I’m gonna, I’m gonna stop, I’m gonna stop oh. (But there’s still some video left!) Damn, I look good. As much as I want to go to the animu, and the treasure, I ju- I just I can’t do it. I must stop or else I’ll be here forever! Okay I’mma keep going.

(He literally just said he was gonna stop..) Oh… Oh… Oh, oh! Oh, yes! God, I’m so weak. I was so close. Why is there a red?

Why is that wait? I said, why is that red? What is that red? Hey?

Why is there a red- I don’t know what THAT’s all about but okay, all right. Oh. I love my ship! I love my ship so much! Okay, alright have enough for the next level.

All right here. We go. I’m gonna play this game. I am gonna play this game..! I’m gonna play this game.

I’m gonna play this gaaame! *Depression* Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Two million two million. I like it.

Go go go go! Oh yeah, oh yeah, that’s good stuff. Nice animoo..! Ho, ho, ho, HO, HO! OH!!

Whoa? Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay? Keepy keepy, selly welly. Hahaha. Oh.

Yeah, get that, and and? and that? Ohh, ohh, ohhhh, *chuckles* Ye-e-e-e-e-ess!

My animoo is so good! It’s SOOO GOOD! *high pitch* IT’S SOO GOOOOD!

Oh, God, I’m so beautiful. Oh Frick a lack of frakkin Decca. Oh, man. I have a problem.

Help me, please, please, in the comments! Please, at home! Anybody watching. I have a problem. I can’t stooop! This isn’t a joke, I can’t stop!

Oh, god. I legitimately can’t stop. But my animoo looks so goood! Oh God, I’ve made it to the last level.

I made it the- oh why is it slanty? Ahhh tits! Alright, whatever, it’s fine. This is where the real fun’s at.

Eh Hahaha, okay, let’s see. Ah, ohhh! A box in a box in a treasure box!

*laughing* I would love to have that! Oh, God! Oh boooy!

Yee, ha, ha, ha, HAAA! *Slightly insane laughter* I got so many boxes inside my box! *laughs giddily* *keeps laughing* I got so many boxes inside my box! *giggles* Alright, alright, oh no, I might run out of money! This might actually be where I run out of money! Not today!!

Nope, don’t need that. Need the money! Give me the money. Give me the money come it’s coming!

I feel, I- It’s not the good stuff. It was the garbage stuff. Give me the good stuff. Give me. Give me the-*BURP* good stuff I want it!

*grrr! * Is that it? No, not chrome. Maybe you got a space one in there? No, you got a s- come on!

Gimme the space one! Gimme the space one! *groans* Noooooooo! *laughs* You sack of shit.. You know what you want to give me! And you’re not giving it to me!

So, shut up and give it to me! *Help me* Please, help me, I’m gonna sell all the things that I own to be able to do this! Yes!

Gimme the good stuff! No, give me a good box. I want a good skin.

Good skin, please give me skin! Yes, yes, yes! OHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHHHH!! OHHHH, YESSS! Yes, oh, yes!

There’s nothing else! I have everything! I have everything! I am done, I have to be done…! *laughs more* Now I have everything I could ever want!

I’m so happy! Look how happy I am! HA HA HA HA HA Okay, so that is the end of this game, I’m gonna leave this here before I lose my mind officially..! This is bad. I can’t believe it’s not gambling.

Thank you, everybody, so much for watching as I fall into a pit of despair! Forever, and ever. But thank you so much! You want to gamble your life away, check out the link in the description below. I’ll provide the game down there and as always, I will see you.

Author: Pearl Andrews